By Saturday evening, Ryan had bought the groceries I’d listed, and dinner was ready.
I wore a comfortable blue dress I’d bought after Emma was born.
It fit properly, and I liked the color.
Ryan noticed.
“That’s new.”
“I bought it last month.”
“Looks nice, Kels. Really.”
I turned toward him.
“Thanks.”
A week earlier, that compliment would’ve meant everything.
Now I wondered whether he’d make another joke about me later.
Olive arrived first with Max. She hugged me.
“You look lovely, Kelsey.”
“Thanks. I finally found a dress that doesn’t make me wrestle with the zipper.”
She laughed.
Tess and Glen arrived shortly afterward.
Dinner went smoothly until Ryan leaned back.
“Kelsey’s always been great at taking care of everyone.”
“You’re lucky,” Tess said.
“Believe me, I know.”
Glen chuckled.
“Things change when you’ve got a baby.”
Ryan glanced toward him. Max studied his plate.
I set down my fork.
“Yes. They certainly do.”
After dessert, everyone moved into the living room.
We often ended these family get-togethers by putting on a movie on our big TV and relaxing.
Emma was asleep upstairs, and her monitor sat beside me.
Ryan stretched his legs.
“Should we turn on the TV and watch a movie together?”
“Actually, that’s perfect,” I said.
I picked up the remote and turned on the TV.
My photograph filled the screen.
The smile instantly disappeared from Ryan’s face, and the other guests flushed.
Ryan sat upright.
“Kelsey? What’s that?”
I pressed the next button.
His message appeared.
“Remember what she looked like when we got married? Guys, this is just a disaster…”
Nobody spoke.
Then I displayed the next screenshot.
“She looks like a baby elephant. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep living with her. I’m not attracted to her at all anymore.”
Tess leaned forward.
“Ryan wrote that?”
“Yes.”
Ryan stood.
“Turn that off.”
“Not yet.”
“Kelsey, what are you doing?”
“Showing everyone what you’ve been saying about me. I mean, your brothers already know, but now their wives do too.”
I displayed the final message about women signing contracts to maintain their figures.
“Kelsey… stop, please.”
Glen’s laughing response appeared beneath it.
Tess turned toward him.
“You thought that was funny?”
“It was a private conversation.”
“That wasn’t my question, Glen.”
Olive looked at Max.
“Did you laugh too?”
He nodded.
“I shouldn’t have.”
Ryan stepped closer.
“How did you get those messages?”
“Your account was signed into our iPad. The notification appeared while I was putting Emma to sleep.”
“You went through my private conversations?”
“You took photographs of me without asking.”
“That doesn’t give you the right to show everybody.”
I looked at him.
“Why was it acceptable when you showed your brothers?”
He didn’t answer.
Glen shifted in his chair.
“They were stupid jokes. Nobody thought she’d see them.”
Tess stared at him.
“Would they have been kinder if Kelsey hadn’t found out?”
He looked away.
Ryan rubbed his forehead.
“I was venting. Things have changed since Emma was born.”
“What changed?” I asked.
He hesitated.
“Our relationship. We barely spend time together.”
“Because I’m caring for our daughter while you’re doing everything you did before she arrived.”
“That’s not completely true.”
“Then tell me what you handled this week without being asked.”
Ryan opened his mouth.
Nothing came out.
I turned off the television.
“Do you remember taking that photograph?”
He nodded.
“Emma had been crying all morning. I’d finally settled her when you took that picture. I didn’t even notice you had your phone out.”
Ryan glanced toward the television.
“You could’ve asked me to take Emma,” he said quietly.
“I did, Ryan. You said you needed to finish something.”
He looked away.
“You were sending those pictures to Glen and Max, weren’t you?”
He nodded.
“Yes.”
I struggled to keep my voice steady.
“While I was trying to comfort our daughter, you were giving your brothers something to laugh about.”
“Kelsey, I’m sorry.”
“Did you ever think about how I’d feel if I saw those messages?”
“I never thought you’d see them.”
“Would you have stopped if I hadn’t found out?”
He looked down.
“I don’t know.”
I’d been hoping he’d say yes.
Olive moved closer.
“How long have you known, Kelsey?”
“Since Monday.”
“You’ve been carrying this all week?”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry you’ve had to face this alone,” she said, squeezing my shoulder.
I turned back to Ryan.
“For four months, I’ve been looking after Emma while wondering why you barely look at me.”
“We’re both adjusting.”
“Then why have I been doing almost everything alone?”
Ryan sat down.
“I didn’t realize how much I’d left you to handle.”
“You saw how tired I was. You just didn’t change anything.”
“I can help more.”
“Emma needs her father, Ryan. I need a husband who respects me.”
He reached for my hand.
“Please, let me fix this.”
I stepped back.
“Taking care of Emma won’t erase what you said about me.”
Tess stood.
“We should give you two some privacy.”
Olive hugged me before following the others outside.
Ryan remained on the couch.
After the door closed, he looked at me.
“Are you leaving?”
“I haven’t decided what happens to our marriage.”
His face tightened.
“What do you want me to do?”
“I need you to stay somewhere else for now.”
He glanced upstairs.
“And Emma?”
“She’ll stay here. We’ll arrange time for you to see her.”
Ryan was silent.
Then he nodded.
“I can stay with Glen.”
Before he packed, I stopped him.
“There’s something else.”
He turned.
“I’m not hosting every family dinner or handling every night with Emma anymore. If we try to repair this, things need to change.”
“I understand.”
“Don’t promise because you’re scared tonight. Think about whether you’re willing to do it.”
He looked toward the dark television.
“I will.”
The following morning, Ryan called.
“Can I come see Emma?”
“Come at ten.”
When he arrived, I handed him her bottle.
“I’m going out for coffee. You’ll have her for two hours.”
“Okay.”
When I returned, Emma was napping, and Ryan was washing her bottles.
“I’ve been thinking about Saturday,” he said.
I put my keys down.
“I treated your exhaustion like your problem. I know I was wrong.”
“You were.”
“I deleted my copies of those pictures. I also asked Glen and Max to delete theirs.”
“Good. But that doesn’t fix everything.”
He nodded.
I wanted to believe he understood. I just wasn’t ready to trust him yet.
A week later, Ryan came over to spend the afternoon with Emma.
He’d been visiting regularly, but I still wasn’t ready for him to move home.
While he fed her, I picked up my phone.
“Ryan, I want you to take a picture of us.”
He looked surprised.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I haven’t had a proper picture with Emma in weeks.”
He handed her back, and I settled her against my chest.
I wore jeans and a shirt that actually fit. My hair was down, and Emma kept grabbing at it.
Ryan took several photographs.
“Want to see?”
I held out my hand.
In one picture, Emma was looking straight at the camera while I laughed.
Ryan hesitated.
“Do you think you’ll ever feel comfortable around me again?”
I studied the photograph.
“I want to. But I still wonder what you’re thinking when you look at me.”
His face fell.
“I hate that I made you feel that way.”
“So do I.”
“I’ve been trying to show you I can change.”
“I’ve noticed. But one good week doesn’t erase four months, Ryan.”
He nodded.
“I’ll keep showing up.”
“Emma needs that. Whether we stay married or not.”
He looked at our daughter.
“I don’t want to lose us.”
I looked down at the picture again.
“Neither did I.”
But I didn’t reach for his hand.
After he left, I sent the new photograph to Olive.
She replied, “You both look so happy!”
I smiled.
Ryan had once taken a photograph of me without asking and made me ashamed of my body.
This time, I’d asked him to take the picture.
I looked happy. I looked tired. I looked like Emma’s mother.
And for the first time in months, I didn’t wonder whether Ryan would approve.
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